Don't look at the floor.

I'm gonna go grab lunch after I write this. If I walk out of my building and immediately get nailed by a CATA bus, killing me instantly, nothing will happen. Somebody will have to clean off the bus, a bunch of people will get upset about it, and I'll take up a bunch of space in a cemetery in Clarion for a few years. Eventually, everyone who remembers me will die, and eventually every last trace of my existence will somehow fade to nothing, and I will cease to exist entirely.

I'm fine with that.

If I die, nothing significant happens, but when you think about it, nothing significant can ever happen. Everything that anyone has ever accomplished will eventually be forgotten, every last trace of it destroyed. Even if the universe ends, nothing happens. So, given that, one has to ask, "What can happen? What could possibly occur that would be significant enough to be permanent?" The answer is nothing.

From that, you could go into a whole Discordian sort of discussion about how the world moves towards chaos and how sometimes that's for the better ("Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.") You could say a lot about that. But the fact is, it really doesn't matter. All of those discussions would still be about human ideas and human inventions; The concept of "purpose" is a human invention in itself. Even the idea that "the purpose of humans is to worship God" is a human invention.

So what's my point? I'm not saying that nothing matters and that we should fuck it all. I'm saying that as long as we're here, and as long as we're able to define our own reason for being (our "essence"), we should make the best of it. Some people live for God. Some people live for money, thinking that their reason for living is to go to college and get a good job and make an assload of cash. In both cases, it's probably because that's what that person's parents told them to do. Fuck that. We should all make our own lives and our own goals and be happy with ourselves if we can do a decent job of achieving them.

As for me, I need to stop making excuses. For too long, I've been whining, "I don't know what I want to do! I just want to enjoy myself!" I realized, though, that having no direction isn't an excuse to do nothing. Having no direction is a direction. I need to push myself to find what I want to do. That process of discovery includes doing a bunch of "stupid shit" like joining clubs I don't know I'll like, or taking classes I normally wouldn't, and striving to make something of the experience. I see that now, and it frightens me, and it makes me happy at the same time.

So I guess I have direction now that I've had this epiphany. I can't just sit around my room playing Guitar Hero hoping that someday, I'll just realize "OH MAN, I REALLY WANT TO BE A FIREFIGHTER!" and that'll be a perfect fit and everything will be rad after that. I need to actively search for my place in the world. So that's what I'm gonna do.

he couldn't believe it! he was young again! and the words, the words bled together like a thousand symphonies in black and white.