drive

I can't afford to get coffee. Hell, I can't even afford to drive so I can go to Perkins and watch other people drink coffee. I have no fucking money, I have no fucking job. I dick around all day doing nothing. Am I becoming worthless?

See, one time I got really fucked up on mushrooms and learned that everything in this world bleeds. Not blood, literally, but life. All of our accomplishments leave a mark. Maybe you'll go to school, borrow some money, work your ass off and start a company like Honda or Microsoft that everyone knows, something that changes the world. Maybe you'll idly scratch a witty rhyme into a bathroom stall while you're waiting for your shift to start at Macy's. Some things you do will live on for ages, maybe physically, maybe only in people's minds. Some things, like a smile at a girl on a bus, will only be remembered for a few minutes (hopefully days) before they're gone and forgotten.

I hope that when we die, we don't go to heaven or hell. I hope that we just wander around an endless plain, sharing our stories, experiences, knowledge, with the trillions of people we never had the (mis)fortune of meeting in life. I hope that at least a few of my stories will be met with replies of, "Fuck, that was you?" or maybe "Oh, you're the guy that..."

This is how I measure my worth: Am I the best at what I do? Will I be remembered? Will I live on? Will I have something to say if I'm asked what I did in my life? I go out at night hoping that I'll walk away with some happy memories, hoping that I've played a part in someone else having a good time, the kind they'll remember forever. I'm still in school because I'm hoping that someday, I'll have the opportunity to find some amazing job doing something I love.

But what about now? I'm afraid of being inside my house. I keep wanting to go out with my friends and dick around. Sure, good memories and all, but there's only so much of that that I could call "productive." The reason I don't spend more time at home is that I'm afraid of missing out on good times, like my life is worth less if I'm not around for a really funny joke someone tells.

I guess my problem is that I need to balance my fucking time a little, and maybe grow the fuck up. As it stands now, I'll spend an ENTIRE day getting fucked up and then dicking around at the mall or whatever, sitting around with my friends watching TV, or wandering around a forest. Yeah, it's fun and all (and watching the sunset over Lake Erie while you're smoking some of the world's finest green is an unparalleled experience), but I think a day at the gym followed by a night on the town is a better investment of my time. Less fucked, more up.

All things in moderation, I guess.