:what:

Who the hell reads this?

Addendum

The weather is really fucking nice and if this Goddamned valley gets cold again, I will strangle a Nittany Lion. Fuck everyone who skips class to get drunk or smoke weed or whatever, they're a bunch of fucking assholes. I'm probably gonna skip class all this week, but it's going to be so that I can play frisbee or look at girls or whatever. Oh, and by the way - hot girls hibernate during winter.

Race Relations

And here I thought college was supposed to make you more accepting of other cultures.

Everyone has ridiculously high hopes and dreams for college life. Like, I pretty much showed up here expecting it to be a cross between Animal House and those faggot-ass college movies where everyone sits around in the quad writing in notebooks and listening to music with huge headphones "'cus it's like, the 'pod earbuds are fashionable and all, but man, if you've never heard Death Cab through some circumaural Sennheiser cans, you've never heard Death Cab." Oh, yeah, and surreptitiously eye-fucking hot high school girls in tour groups.

One of the other, far less important illusions I had about college was that classic scene where a bunch of kids of all genders (including transgendered), cultures (including the token emo kid that carries around a camera all the time), and ethnicities (including Indians, like, dot-Indians) walk through the student union laughing and making fart jokes. Like, "Oh man, I get to move away from my Wonderbread-riffic suburb and meet some really interesting people!" I thought that maybe I'd meet some really rad people, learn something about other cultures, and maybe - God willing - be able to someday say "No way dude, I'm allowed to call them by The N-Word, one of my best friends is black!"

This didn't happen. The exact opposite happened.

Seriously, since I got here, I've been full of hate. Like, imagine a skyscraper suddenly being filled with half of a passenger jet. Except instead of that, it's me being full of hate. I mean, as far as racial minorities go, they pretty much all self-segregate. I see them everywhere, standing around at the bus stop jabbering in some sort of moon-language. Hell, the vast majority of white people here are white people, which is to say, they all wear their spandex tucked into their beige Uggs - even the guys.

I keep hearing that you can't judge people by their ethnicity, but fuck, you can even tell different people's personalities just by paying some small degree of attention to the fucktards around you. I can't even count how many times I've seen a group of people walk past, sized them up, and figured them out entirely. Maybe I'll see a bunch of fatties and go, "Hm. Neckbeard, neckbeard, trenchcoat, neckbeard, Dragonforce t-shirt with neckbeard. Yeah, those guys definitely play Warcraft." Sure as shit, they'll walk past and I'll overhear something to the effect of "...totally ganked this level 40 Paladin in Tarren Mills last night, and she was a girl which was like, fucking leet as hell. Barrens chat ftw, right guys?" Or better yet, a bunch of kids with long hair that can barely walk a straight line, but can throw a Frisbee like nobody's fucking business. Yeah, those guys smoke weed. Or maybe I'll be walking around campus and see someone with a heartbeat and think, "holy shit, that kid's gotta be an alcoholic."

Such fucking bullshit, I tell you what. I didn't come here to be surrounded by a bunch of fucking jackasses! I came here to hang out with (ideally) a diverse group of people that don't suck, man, that really went out the fucking window, didn't it? Maybe I'm just missing something, but as far as I'm concerned, diversity can kiss my ass.

Big Red application essays

1) What is the recorded music industry’s greatest challenge today? Why? (maximum length: 300 words)

I think that the industry’s biggest – and most important – challenge is signing and marketing the right artists, especially now in this time of transition in terms of what’s popular. Making the right decision when promoting a band can make a huge difference in record sales, or, most importantly, having an impact on an entire genre. For example, in 1999, as the popularity of blink-182’s sound was on the wane, Epic records signed the band Good Charlotte, following their popularity in the underground scene. In 2002, the band released their sophomore album. In mainstream reviews and charts, /The Young and the Hopeless /fared incredibly well.

At around the same time, a whole slew of similar bands began gaining exposure. Bands like New Found Glory and Simple Plan saw good sales. As the trend continued, acts like Bowling for Soup were promoted, but did not necessarily become successful. Therefore, the industry needs to know when a fad is dying so that they can sign a fresh, but not “too fresh,” band to start the next new trend, and which bands will see good success given current trends without seeming too uninspired or played-out.

2) What makes you the right candidate for the Big Red program at Columbia Records? (maximum length: 300 words)

For me, one of the biggest differences between college and high school is the group project. In high school, we worked comfortably with people we knew and could depend on our relationships in one another to keep ourselves motivated. In college, we’re thrown into groups of complete strangers and expected to produce results that everybody is happy with. What I like most about these projects is that I get a chance to take initiative and turn this collaboration of strangers into a productive group, and I think that this kind of group work is central to the creative nature of the Big Red program.

I think that an average, run-of-the-mill group project requires a good deal of dedication from all members, and not just to the task at hand, but to one another as well. I like to get everybody in one place so we can start working; I like to make the members of the group feel comfortable with one another so that we can work together more smoothly. I absolutely detest trying to work with people who are sitting silently, passively offering a suggestion or two. I think that once the members of a group are comfortable with one another, they can start getting more enthusiastic about their goal, and work towards that goal in a more earnest fashion.

For these reasons, I love being able to take on a leadership role; Everybody can contribute something if someone else is able to break the ice and get past the “I don’t want to seem /too /enthusiastic” barrier. Often, people just need a little push in the right direction and they can make something they can be proud of. I feel great when I can look back and know that I helped this group of strangers make something happen.

3) Describe a project you would want to bring to and lead for the Big Red program? Why is this an important project? (maximum length: 300 words)

In this age of viral word-of-mouth advertising, one of the most obvious ways for a company to publicize itself is to get people talking, not just about the products, but about itself. Looking to Myspace to advertise a band or a campaign to advertise the company sounds great, but it’s fully possible to do both at once by giving the band a place to play. Imagine: A music venue in a major market owned and operated by Columbia Records.

I don’t mean an enormous concert hall; such things can be pricey and too “exclusive” at times. I mean somewhere for artists of all genres, regardless of their record company affiliation, to share their music, with shows played several times a week. The advantages of such an establishment are numerous: Columbia’s up-and-coming artists would have a great place to gain exposure, Columbia would have an easy way to track new trends in any genre, and the company would gain direct profits from each show, both in cash and in the form a good company image.

In my hometown of Erie, we’ve seen several venues come and go. Forward Hall, in spite of being a nice building, is poorly managed; The Hangout is a long drive for a lot of people. Other places, like fire stations and bars come and go, and sometimes admit only 21-year-olds. I think that a well-managed concert hall with the reliable backing of a company like Columbia would do very well in my town, and I’m sure that Erie isn’t the only town with a shortage of good, all-ages shows.

New York Discourse

A friend at the corner
who coulda been good
crossed the walk
we didn’t talk
guess that’s the way they roll
in this town

I was fortunate to have crossed paths with Michael N. Boros, musician, poet, author, vagrant. His most recent experiences are chronicled within the New York Discourse. You should read it.

Dream House

Fuck Dane Cook. I've been planning my dream house for years. I want the following:

The Situation Room will be in the basement of the house, across from my replica of the bathroom from Saw, including the dead bodies. The Situation Room is very dimly lit and has a wide, round table in the center. Decoration? Stainless steel, everything. On one wall will be a bunch of TVs constantly playing different news channels. It will also be my video linkup for satellite conferences with world leaders or terrorists. When the room isn't in use ("Non-Situation" Hours run 8AM-8PM), the screen will show a spinning globe OR be used for playing Tony Hawk. On another wall will be an assload of clocks all calibrated to various major cities. But Goddamn, when I'm in the Situation Room, things happen.

The Hall of Bathrooms will be a hallway with a variety of doors. Like, one door will be a green, wooden cellar door with ivy growing on it. You open the door and you're in a hedge maze. At the end of the hedge maze is an outhouse. A big, steel door opens into a room full of security lasers which, if tripped, will cause the door to lock and the room to be filled with poisonous gas. Another, more elegant door will lead immediately to a small ledge on an enormous cliff overlooking the ocean. Only a small sign that reads "mind the gap" sits on the ledge with you. Far, far off in the distance is a small island with an outhouse on it. The Hall of Bathrooms will contain at least ten such doors, all leading to "inconvenient" bathrooms. The lights slowly fade to black as you near the end of the hallway, where a red door, painted with blood, is illuminated on either side by hollowed-out skulls that have been converted into torches. The fingernails of the deceased are dug into the door. From the other side, you can hear the screams of a thousand tormented souls. Beyond this door lies a typical, very "rustic" kinda bathroom. Like, the medicine cabinet has shutters for doors and there's a Yankee Candle sitting on the toilet tank. The Hall of Bathrooms is absolutely necessary. "Where's the bathroom?" "Up the stairs, take a left... Choose carefully."

The Pigeon Room, an idea pitched to me by John Swabb. Every surface in the room is coated in mirrors. In the center of the ceiling is a single strobe light and a speaker that plays the sound of an air raid siren. Loudly. Oh, and pigeons. Dozens and dozens of pigeons. Imagine, you wake up in a room with an alarm blaring. You can't see anything, except for a very brief moment, the room is illuminated by a flash of light, and you see nothing but pigeons, for miles and miles. Every surface reflects nothing but pigeons and the sheer look of terror on your face. The door's unlocked, but you're too disoriented to find it. You die of heart failure, with only dozens of pigeons to witness your last breath.

The Musical: You walk through red curtains into an otherwise normal living room. Television, maybe a small 'fridge, coffee table with some books and CDs, and a ten-man A Capella chorus in the corner. Every single thing you do in this room is narrated in 4/4 time. "Walk into the room! Sit down and stay a while! Grab yourself a beer! Put on a goofy smile! The music never ends, you'll get sick of this real fast, it may be funny now, but the novelty won't last!"

I want a room which has all four walls made from poured concrete and a drain on the floor. The only way to enter it is by way of trap door. The ceiling is much too high to make exiting the room possible without outside assistance.

I'd also like a two-car garage. That's all I got for now.

Don't look at the floor.

I'm gonna go grab lunch after I write this. If I walk out of my building and immediately get nailed by a CATA bus, killing me instantly, nothing will happen. Somebody will have to clean off the bus, a bunch of people will get upset about it, and I'll take up a bunch of space in a cemetery in Clarion for a few years. Eventually, everyone who remembers me will die, and eventually every last trace of my existence will somehow fade to nothing, and I will cease to exist entirely.

I'm fine with that.

If I die, nothing significant happens, but when you think about it, nothing significant can ever happen. Everything that anyone has ever accomplished will eventually be forgotten, every last trace of it destroyed. Even if the universe ends, nothing happens. So, given that, one has to ask, "What can happen? What could possibly occur that would be significant enough to be permanent?" The answer is nothing.

From that, you could go into a whole Discordian sort of discussion about how the world moves towards chaos and how sometimes that's for the better ("Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.") You could say a lot about that. But the fact is, it really doesn't matter. All of those discussions would still be about human ideas and human inventions; The concept of "purpose" is a human invention in itself. Even the idea that "the purpose of humans is to worship God" is a human invention.

So what's my point? I'm not saying that nothing matters and that we should fuck it all. I'm saying that as long as we're here, and as long as we're able to define our own reason for being (our "essence"), we should make the best of it. Some people live for God. Some people live for money, thinking that their reason for living is to go to college and get a good job and make an assload of cash. In both cases, it's probably because that's what that person's parents told them to do. Fuck that. We should all make our own lives and our own goals and be happy with ourselves if we can do a decent job of achieving them.

As for me, I need to stop making excuses. For too long, I've been whining, "I don't know what I want to do! I just want to enjoy myself!" I realized, though, that having no direction isn't an excuse to do nothing. Having no direction is a direction. I need to push myself to find what I want to do. That process of discovery includes doing a bunch of "stupid shit" like joining clubs I don't know I'll like, or taking classes I normally wouldn't, and striving to make something of the experience. I see that now, and it frightens me, and it makes me happy at the same time.

So I guess I have direction now that I've had this epiphany. I can't just sit around my room playing Guitar Hero hoping that someday, I'll just realize "OH MAN, I REALLY WANT TO BE A FIREFIGHTER!" and that'll be a perfect fit and everything will be rad after that. I need to actively search for my place in the world. So that's what I'm gonna do.

he couldn't believe it! he was young again! and the words, the words bled together like a thousand symphonies in black and white.

i don't know my limits

I need to stop writing when I'm wasted.

Today was like a fucking atom bomb of blizzard. Like the abdominal [sic] snowman took a huge shit all over northwestern Pennsylvania and the city of Erie decided it was sick of being the snowman's bitch, so it simply chose not to wipe. I could probably have done everything I did tonight in half the time (at least) because I was driving like I'm a 70-year-old woman taking marijuana for my glaucoma. I seriously could do without weather that makes me drive fifteen fucking miles an hour ("mylanahr"). I love this town to death, but on Wednesday it was seventy degrees and a few of my friends were wearing shorts. Today we got 20,000 leagues of SNOW! I hate that the weather is like this in my town nine fucking months out of the year. The only months you see nice weather in Erie are July, August, and December. December because Erie likes to throw in random-ass periods of weather incongruent with the season. There's a few scattered days of that shit here and there too, like generally July is nice but one or two days will invariably involve massive amounts of snowfall. Worst part is, when it's shitty out, it's one of those problems that you can't go to the beach and drink away.

I really don't want to go back to campus and deal with the fact that I'm a week behind in everything because of how sick I was last week.

I think it's interesting how friends come and go without any distinct reason. People I used to love to death, people I used to want to get to know better or hang out with more or whatever, are now just a burden to me. There's people I used to love so much that now irritate me when they call, and there's people that I just don't have any contact with at all anymore. I don't know if it's because I figured out that those people suck, or maybe this sort of thing is just cyclical in a way, or who knows. It bothers me that I'm "too cool" for certain people and there's no real reason why.

On the other hand, I love that I'm getting to know other people better along the way, like I get to enjoy someone's friendship and move on. It sounds weird, like you're throwing someone away, but you can only be really close to a certain number of people, and I'm glad that I get to share great experiences with a lot of different people. Six billion people in the world. The ones not worth meeting are usually tolerable, and in any case, when you separate the totally rad people from the assholes, you've found something really special, you remember those people forever. I love thinking about all the lives I've affected, and the way people have touched my life. It all adds up, it's definitely made my life worth living. I love meeting people who are unlike people I know now, new people that, even if I only ever see them for one night, I'll never forget. I want to get the fuck out of here, leave this place behind, meet amazing people miles and miles away from me, so I can know that there are some rad people out there - and not just the ones in Erie or college or from some phase of my life involving school or work or whatever.

It bothers me that all of the internet dating ads about "finding True love" usually appeal to lust over love. There's usually a very sexual element to it that, I think, blows the whole "Internet dating will seriously help you find someone compatible with you AND your boner" thing out of the water. Still, sex sells, and neckbearded internet creeps are buying.

Who's in charge of "checking" the military? Usually you have customers keeping a business in line, and various branches of the government (on paper) keep each other from fucking around. The military defends everything I hold dear, and the idea that certain people don't do their jobs as well as they could scares me. Only the military checks itself. With the level of discipline, I'm sure that a lot of things get taken care of, but I'm sure some things go unnoticed, important things. Like on the news the other day they talked about the military losing a submarine. Like they didn't know where it was, and the people on the submarine forgot to check in. That scares me. Nobody watches over how the military is run except the military. Can we get some QC over here?

The computer I'm on is so slow that I'm typing faster than the words are appearing on the screen. My dad fucked up this computer with enough extraneous security software to be counter-productive. I hate it. So. That's all I got, I guess.

I'll set off on a new chase, I gotta see a new face. I need to take a holiday.

gone for so long

Christ, I couldn't ask for a better welcome back to Erie.

Friday night I spent in Pittsburgh ("Pixburgh") at some kegger with Jackie. I love being the one that gets the smoking circle started, getting everyone a nice little blaze to go along with their drunkenness. Some girl came up to me with half a blunt rolled with hydro, so we introduced that into the circle. Went upstairs, played beer pong (lost), and then went back to Jackie's.

Saturday night I drove around a few kids who were rolling, great fun was had for everyone since there was ample weed. Ended up at Eat N Park. Hard to say specifics, suffice it to say that was one of the greatest nights of my life; everything seemed to fall into place perfectly even though we didn't have a party or anything. Those are my favorite nights, when everything just works out and there's nothing else I could really ask for.

Last night I rolled around with, I don't know, some girl, getting lit and grabbing coffee with the whole crew. Great night of relaxation after two nights of abusing myself.

This is pretty much what I love about Erie. I think that this is a great town, I think this town has potential. The kids here are amazing, the kids here are just like big city kids. We have music scenes, we have every subculture imaginable here. The diversity in Erie is so fucking rad it rocks my world, and yet, everyone here seems to think this town blows. I'm sorry, but only boring people complain about being bored. There's always something to do around here, so long as you have the right mix of people. Erie can be just as good as any other fucking city, you just need to know where to look. I'd love to come back here and do something for the city, make this an awesome place to live, help people see how much fun they can have in their own backyard.

Being able to have a few nights of debauchery, but always being comfortably close to an easy night chillin', is why I love having Erie's mix of big city and small town. There's plenty to do here, this place is hip as hell. We pick up new trends like crazy. Yet, you're always fifteen minutes away from an easy drive through the country, the kinds of easy roads that you don't have to think about, you can just blast music and not think about driving. I love it. I love this town.

Thank you, medical science!

Apparently I live in a town with a bunch of alcoholics, as evidenced by the fact that State College broke 1,000 DUIs last year. It thrills me to live somewhere that EVERYONE is proudly addicted to drinking. I only wish it wasn't a college town, that maybe 20 years down the road we'll still be a bunch of alcoholics living in state college. A town of 80,000 people who are all the creepy uncle drinking whiskey sours that always wants to "show you something" at family reunions.

Further evidence of my town's alcoholism? We moved a holiday - a religious holiday - so we could drink more. I'm talking, of course, about State Patty's Day. You see, Saint Patrick's day fell during Spring Break this year. The residents of State College would have to drink in their respective hometowns. Never missing an opportunity to drink, however, a Facebook group was formed and the holiday was successfully moved to March 2 for the entire town. All bars participated.

My night was fairly uneventful, until a "bunch of stuff" happened and I found myself on the floor of Hobbes' house watching Wundershowzen for an hour and a half, too drunk to move. As we walked back to my dorm, Nick suggests "Hey, instead of Holmes Hall, we should go to Erie!" Then there was kind of a blur and I woke up in a car two hours from State College.

So that was my weekend. When I got back, I fell victim to what was officially the Worst Flu Ever and that kinda sucked.