Think!

I spend a lot of time thinking I'm better than other people. I don't mean "I'm generally a judgmental person," I mean that I literally sit in my room, surrounded by beautiful women (high school girls), on top of a colossal pile of money, thinking to myself how great I am. After all, I've got this colossal pile of money, and that's how we measure success these days. A few days ago, I decided that I was going to replace the pile of hundred-dollar bills with a pile of hundred-pound banknotes from Scotland. Why? Because they're worth more. In fact, I got bored of that, so I gave all the money to charity and that's why I always need to borrow money from people for coffee.

I'm getting away from the point though. The point is, if you take a cross-section of Americans, I'll look at a good number of them and think to myself, "Man, I'm way awesome." It's not just me though. Dear reader, consider for a moment that you, too, are way smarter than a whole fuckload of people (but not me). Recent proof of this phenomenon:

1: Ft. Worth Students Protest Own Failure, English Language: Fort Worth Independent School District's board of trustees elected to bar students who failed the TKAS (Texas standardized test) from attending their graduation ceremony. A bunch of morons got together and decided that despite not meeting the requirements for graduation, they still deserved to go. They argue: The TKAS is just a standardized test. I completed all of my course work, and I'm still getting my diploma at some point. I just want to go to my graduation!

Graduation (n.): Pay absurd amounts of money for a fucking gown, waste colossal amounts of time, listen to a bunch of names, someone hands you your diploma, the one you earned, and then you get drunk afterwards.

You don't get a diploma if you fail the TKAS! And that means you don't graduate! Bullshit answer from one of the protestors: "We know we're not going to get our diplomas, but we just want to walk across the stage." Well, here's the bullshit reason for graduation: To celebrate twelve years of academic achievement. If you somehow got through the 12th grade and can't pass a state-sponsored standardized test (and yes, they're a fucking joke), it means you spent 6 hours a day copying other peoples' homework and you were not fucking achieving.

It seems stupid for me to complain about this, I know. The protesters' argument is stupid, yes. On the other hand, the graduation ceremony is stupid as well. In fact, most of high school was really fuckin' stupid, if I remember correctly. So, while I really don't give a flying fuck whether they go to their ceremony or not, I'm still smarter than them, and that's the theme of this post.

I submit the phrase "LET ARE KIDS WALK," as seen on one of the protesters' posters, as proof.

(SURPRISE HAPPY ALTERNATE ENDING) Fun Fort Worth Fact: Over 15% of Ft. Worth students don't graduate.

2: Paris Hilton Is Still A Worthless Human Being: I guess I can rescind the heading on this section, actually. Paris Hilton has a lot of money, which means she's successful and a productive individual, also she's apparently really hot (fuckin' fooled me).

The backstory: Paris Hilton drove drunk a bunch of times (surprise, surprise), once with her headlights off, at night, going twice the posted limit. After having her license suspended, she decided she was going to continue driving anyway because "whatever man, that judge was like, way lame, and what was the deal with that robe he's wearing?" She gets caught driving without her license and is sentenced to 45 days in jail. Her way awesome friends help her out and pen up an internet petition titled "FREE PARIS HILTON." Please take a moment of your time to read that petition, in its entirety.

I want to know what idiot was talking to Paris when she says, "I'm going to jail and the outfits they wear there are like, totally gross!" Her friend looks between his legs, right into her eyes, and says, "Well, like, we could make an internet petition, right?"

Keeping with the theme here, which is "I'm way better than a fuckload of people": Every single person who signed that petition needs to be dragged to Mexico and left for dead. Mexico for several reasons:

• Everything that has ever come to the United States from Mexico has been a total piece of shit, including the people. I propose we fire back.
• Everything that has ever come to the United States from Mexico has been a total piece of shit, including the people, but if I find some bar bathroom in Tijuana that's way gross (good fucking luck, am I right?), these morons can suffer while Andres Martinez pisses all over them. Then I take pictures of them and put them on Facebook, with the caption "CLUBBING WITH ANDRE!" and then everyone will go "Wow dude, that girl is weird, let's never talk to her again," and that would, like, totally suck.
• Everything that has ever come to the United States from Mexico has been a total piece of shit, including the people, and excluding the prostitutes. So while the victims are chillin' in gross-disgusting Tijuana bar, I can probably sell them into sex-slavery, pick up a decent profit, and then blow it all on a night of snorting coke lines off of a Mexican 14-year-old prostitute's chest.

This is gonna be way cool already.

Anyway, Paris has this way awesome internet petition hailing her as a "socialite," which as far as I can tell, means she pretends she's still in high school, and does this on a professional level. Arnie prints it and then crushes it between his massive, rippling muscles. He then went on Leno and said (actual quote): "I've heard from someone that she said somewhere she isn't even a fan of mine and she has never seen any of my movies. I've seen all of hers. Obviously we both do action movies. GET TO DA CHOPPA!" Last sentence may not actually be "actual."

Anyway, upon discovering that her legions of 14-year-old supporters couldn't help her, Paris turned to her lawyers and slobbered, "he;lp how do i get out of thi" After her entire team of lawyers got dressed again, they explained to her that she should learn some fucking humility and take responsibility for her actions and MAYBE FUCKING LEARN SOMETHING FROM IT. Paris struggled with this explanation for quite some time. Three pounds of crystal later, her attention was focused for a very slight moment and then was gone. Fortunately, during that eye-blink of clarity, one of her lawyers shouted "AT LEAST FAKE SOME FUCKING SINCERETY" and I think that got through.

So Paris goes to the bookstore and buys a bunch of books, so she can fake a "spiritual awakening," an idea which is fundamentally flawed because...

• The act is so fucking contrived I can't comprehend it. Plenty of young, hip douchebags on blogger like to write about how "shit's so zen, man," which is cool if you want your blogging e-friends to give you e-props and indie cred, but you're getting into iffy territory when you abuse various religions in order to keep yourself out of jail.
• Hilton has promised (OH THANK GOD) to write a book about her experiences in the prison, which is another way of saying that Paris has promised to whine about how horrible it was and how much she didn't deserve to be there.
• In spite of any implications of my last statement, Paris Hilton cannot read.

I didn't realize I could write so much about how fucking stupid one person can be. That's all for tonight, folks!

You had your chance!

I sold out.

Speaking of which, I saw Fall Out Boy yesterday, in Cleveland, with a stomach full of White Castles. I've always felt conflicted about that band. On one hand, I really like the music, but on the other hand, I generally roll my eyes at the mere mention of the band's name. It's a hell of an eye-roll, too, the likes of which I've only ever reproduced in high school. You know, when some asshole tells you that you need to "apply yourself and you'll be able to do so much!" And you're thinking, "I do apply myself, only I apply myself to things like smoking weed and getting drunk and beating up middle schoolers when I'm all fucked up on absinthe."

So last night I've reached a definitive conclusion, which is that Pete Wentz is the least talented member of that band, and if he left, I'd actually respect the band and be proud to be a fan, rather than listen to them only on headphones, alone in my room, with the door locked and I'm curled up into the fetal position and not wearing pants. fun fact: that was all one enormous run-on sentence

We'll think about this: Fall Out Boy released Take This To Your Grave and Evening Out With Your Girlfriend, the latter of which they pretended never happened. Both albums had that pop-punk sound to them. Then they got popular, then they released Cork Tree, which caused a lot of people to call Fall Out Boy sellouts because it sounded a little different and you heard it on the radio.

Now, before, I was always just thinking, "Let them grow musically, they haven't 'sold out,' whatever that means. Who cares if it has that pop-rock finish to it? There are plenty of good pop bands."

Then a bunch of shit happened. Taking Back Sunday releases "Spin," which calls out FOB on leaving the scene and totally turning gay and selling out and leaving the scene and shitting on Sid Vicious' grave. Fall Out Boy responds on their new album, Infinity on High, saying that it's stupid for people to fight over "who" FOB's music belongs to, that they don't care if people think it's pop or punk or whatever as long as people like it. This is fair. You shouldn't get pissed at a band for evolving, even if it makes them suck. They're allowed to fuck around.

The problem, then, isn't the music. It's the show. Fall Out Boy should be musicians first, and entertainers second. Pete Wentz turns the band into a fucking circus. Surrounded by drama, and loved by all for being "the hot one," Wentz is a fan favorite and inadvertently became the band's frontman. In the studio, Wentz plays shitty bass and does "backup vocals," which translates as "screaming which is grating on the ears and not only does nothing for the music, but actually makes it worse." Yeah, I've listened to my share of hardcore, but the backup screams in Fall Out Boy's music are just a gimmick. It's incongruent and inappropriate. Which leaves Wentz as a bassist. Wentz is a shitty bassist.

Patrick stump is a better songwriter and Joe Trohman would make a better frontman. However, in the interest of commercial success (which is, at face value, an admirable ambition), the boys in marketing have put Petey on the pedestal and centered the entire fucking affair around him, including one part in the show where the fucker gets shirtless on stage for no reason. The entire show was clearly built around the fundamental idea that Pete Wentz is hot.

You know that girl who a few people (the same people who think Paris Hilton is attractive) think looks kind of good, but then you see her without your makeup and you're like "whoa, man." That's him.

Nonetheless, my problem is that the band has taken their focus away from playing good music - and it is good music - and instead concentrated on stupid emokid drama bullshit stunts and whatever else they can come up with to turn the whole affair into a travesty. I have no issue with Wentz himself (though I probably wouldn't like him if I met him), I just think he's the foundation of the way in which Fall Out Boy has turned themselves into a traveling fucking circus. Except instead of lion tamers, there's just a bassist in girlpants making out with dudes.

I just wrote a page about Fall Out Boy. This makes me want to cut my wri

Centre Daily Times

(based on a true story)

STATE COLLEGE - A University student was killed in a firefight between himself and State College police Tuesday.

Andrew Pierce, of Erie, Pennsylvania, was contacted by law enforcement at his residence in 412A Holmes Hall, who were serving a warrant for his arrest. Pierce was charged with racketeering, fraud, conspiracy, possession of a controlled substance with intent to deliver, and public indecency.

Deputy Martin of the Centre County Sherriff's Department said that the former two offenses were, "regrettably, the more severe of the crimes."

On April 19, Resident Advisor Jeff Erb reported a "number of students routinely coming in and out of [Pierce's] room." A thorough investigation concluded that Pierce had been running a small-scale grocery store from his dorm room.

Further research found Pierce's website at http://www.vulgarity.org. Investigators found a passage describing his intent to "totally get tagged by a CATA bus. If you get hit by two tires, you get free tuition, I'm thinking a mirror or something to the back of the head is at least worth free housing." University officials confirmed that Pierce had, in fact, been hit by a CATA bus and rewarded an undisclosed number of meal points as an out-of-court settlement.

Continued investigation of the Vulgarity website revealed the following post:

"Fuckin', I've got fat meal points now, dude. Lately I've been hitting up Louie's and stocking up on shit, if you're trying to get some Boyardee for a quarter, I'll totally hook it up."

According to a Sheriff's Department incident report, Pierce stated that "[the police] should totally be more concerned about this big bag of weed than some [flipping] EasyMac." When police attempted to restrain him, Pierce reportedly began shouting incoherently and removed several articles of clothing, at which point police opened fire.

"We believe that the suspect was wearing a gun-hat," a Department spokesperson said at a conference on Wednesday. When questioned about the "gun-hat" and the existence thereof, the spokesperson replied that "Greg totally heard about some dudes making gun-watches and Chris was pretty sure [Pierce] was wearing a gun-shoe." Some critics questioned whether deadly force was necessary in a case where a resisting suspect is only suspected to possess a gun-hat. The Department put these concerns to rest, saying "You totally need to nail the gun-hat guys before they can take off the hat and the gun pops out. Like, that's how they get you with the gun-hats. This one guy I knew, Bruce, had this guy cornered, and the guy was like, 'oh, that's cool, I'll surrender,' and when Bruce goes to cuff him, the guy just drops his pants and a gun comes out and shoots Bruce in the eye. He's still around, apparently the gun only fired blanks, but it was kind of, you know, a wake up call. We can't be too careful, you know. With the gun-hats."

A forensics team identified the alleged "gun-hat" as a Flex-Fit brand baseball cap, officially licensed University merchandise. Their report stated that the hat only posed a threat as potential "brorape paraphernalia." The investigators stressed that their report is "available in alternative media."

Pierce was pronounced dead on the scene. The contents of his illegal supermarket (dubbed "Ku-Klux-Klanahan's") were donated to the Trash to Treasure program.

A service will be held on Friday in Warnock Commons. Those wishing to attend should contact the funeral director at (814) 555-5672.

This post is the product of Greg Somerville's imagination.

Culmination

Students are screaming and fratbros are raping and drinking cheap beer, it's the most wonderful time of the year.

Yesterday my roommates got into a huge fight with each other, spraying shaving cream and hand lotion at each other. Jackie suggested that this scenario would have been really, really sexy if my roommates were all girls. I considered this and masturbated furiously shortly afterwards.

A short while later, I smelled Axe and concluded that Jaret was spraying Axe to get rid of the shaving cream smell. I dunno, it seems like something he'd do. Then I heard the hissing noise and it hit me - I'd been Axe bombed. Apparently the person that did it hit a few other rooms, but the guys in those rooms were just like "hay dude why did you leave a bunch of empty Axe cans in my room?"

It really ruins a joke when you have to explain it. "Well, it's supposed to make your room smell bad, and like. Uh. You get really mad, and it's funny." "Oh. Heh. Okay," and then a really awkward silence is shared by everyone, one party starting to doubt how funny the prank is and the other party dealing with the realization that he's so slow, he can ruin other people's jokes.

The office of the bursar replied to my letter and informed me that if I keep up to date on my balance, I won't have to deal with holds. You don't get it, do you, asshole? I don't care that my account was suspended. I take full responsibility for that. But I'd like to fucking hear about it when it fucking happens and not two full weeks after the fact.

A true story, not a joke, though it was repeated as often, tugboated relentlessly, was of the beat cop from Court Street who routinely dislodged clumps of teenagers clustered at night on stoops or in front of bars and who, if met with excuses, would cut them off with "Yeah, yeah. Tell your story walking."

I just took my last final, making the year officially over. Learning is at the core of the college experience; I feel that I've learned more outside the classroom than in it. College is a hell of a lot better than that whole "drop out and try to find my purpose" thing, because finding a purpose is a hell of a lot easier when you can learn about anything you want and are surrounded by 40,000 people in the same boat as you. Besides, as long as I have no direction, I'm gonna appreciate the opportunity to get something done while I'm waiting for inspiration to strike me.

I always urge people to do something, even if it just means spending a year hitchhiking and trying to learn about life from others. The idea of just dropping out and working at Country Fair until I die seems appealing every now and then, but I need to stick to my own advice. Everything should be an accomplishment, not just a way of stalling for time, waiting for the next life. Looking at this whole year behind me, I can't believe I ever even considered moving back to Erie. I'll make shit happen, I'll have my name remembered, I'll do something I can be proud of, I'll meet every last one of the other six billion people trying to do the same. I'll tell my story walking.

Open Letter to the Office of the Bursar

Dear Whoever:

Thank you for your automated form letter dated 5/8 2007. I'd like to extend to the Bursar's office my heartfelt gratitude that you, much in the style of an incompetent New York landlord that barely speaks English, informed me that I owe you money. I'm most grateful for this notification because otherwise, I would have never figured out why there was a hold placed on my registration when I tried to sign up for classes TWO FULL WEEKS AGO.

I'm particularly impressed that you were able to notify me of the hold on my class registration TWO FULL WEEKS after I tried to sign up. When I tried (and failed) to get my classes, eLion helpfully informed me that a hold had been put on my account, and that I should have received notification from the originating office when the hold was placed. I understand that your office must be under a lot of stress; I'm frankly impressed that you even bothered to SEND me a notification, let alone a notification so prompt that it only reached me TWO FULL WEEKS after I tried to register my classes. Boy, let me tell you, I love having to use trial-and-error to figure out why I can't register for classes.

Also, thank you for promptly informing me (again, in a letter dated 5/8) that the hold was lifted. You know, when I paid off my balance LAST WEEK.

I'm glad that you were able to be patient with me. Consider this a sincere apology. In the other form letter you sent me (also dated 5/8), your office clearly warned me that if I didn't pay off my balance by 5/25 (which is, I might add, two weeks and change from today), your office would take action. I was late - I suffered the consequence of a financial hold. I apologize for the inconvenience.

I'd also like to add how ecstatic I am that I'm paying the University ridiculous quantities of money for what apparently amounts to nothing.

Punctuality and promptness are two qualities that all Pennsylvania State University students should have; They demonstrate that you are a responsible potential employee. I commend you for setting a great example.

Any response should be submitted to me through an internet feedback forum, which is ALMOST as impersonal as a form email. This correspondence is also available in alternative media.

- Andrew Pierce

Finals Week starts today.

Fuck this place.

In a town where the apartment industry is 100% built on the blood, sweat, and tears of broke college students, housing on-campus is more expensive. There are only two buildings in my housing unit and I hate every single person in both of them. My roommates are the laziest fucking faggots in the world, and the diverse nature of college draws a bunch of Indian kids to my room to hang out with my Indian roommate, and if college has taught me anything, it's that I can't fucking stand Indian people. Especially rich, lazy, spoiled ones that, say, leave their dirty plates and garbage on the fucking floor and then choose to ignore it because they expect someone else to clean it up.

This university does nothing but fuck me over. I owed the university $100 in medical fees, which pales in comparison to the enormously ridiculous tuition I'm paying. Thank God the university got that money from me so that they could pay Grant Spanier's $500,000 a year salary. Good thing they extorted that money from me by not allowing me to register for classes until it got paid. Good thing they didn't even tell me my registration was on hold until I tried to register classes, causing all of the classes I wanted to fill up while I spent a week trying to sort the situation out. Good thing they didn't fucking tell me this is the reason my registration was on hold; I had to figure out how to fix it by trial and error.

Good thing they put all those potheads away (oh, the other ones too.) I mean, yeah, I knew 'em and yeah, they seemed like the nicest kids you'll ever meet, but they sold drugs, so clearly they were terrorists, escalating a deadly gang war, and driving The Pennsylvania State University's fine reputation into the ground.

The food here sucks, I have no money, I have to walk up four floors of stairs to my room, my R.A. is a fucking Mennonite, my housing coordinator is a cunt and a liar, none of my books can be sold-back because the university intentionally forces you to buy their house-published bullshit new every year, a lot of my friends dropped out or got arrested, the townies and their government treat students like second class citizens, and there's nobody to buy weed from anymore. I should fucking hate it here.

I don't want to leave.

[dl]album: Punk Goes Acoustic 2. Ask. Also, new add under "glass".